Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
