Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
