After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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