"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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