glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
