I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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