I wish they made helmets for livers.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
