I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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