I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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