She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
