He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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