My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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