Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
