I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I need to calm my uterus...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
