he thought i was a dude.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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