I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
