I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize