Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
