Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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