Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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