I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
