Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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