I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
