I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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