it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
