He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
