I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
