I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
