No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
