so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize