She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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