Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
