lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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