Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
