It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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