My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
