youre lurking in front of me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
