Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
