I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
