PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
