The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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