Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
