YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
