Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
