I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize