I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
