can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
