Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
