also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
