I want to walk on stilts...naked
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
