He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
