She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
being pregnant is like rehab
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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