The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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