I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
