You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
