I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
