I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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