Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
