3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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