mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The feeling are messing with the penis
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize