hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
