Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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