got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
how does that bad decision feel?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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