I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize