My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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