the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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