Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
