I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think your dad took our porno
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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