yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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