no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
