I will die if light touches me.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
